benchpress. some thoughts. and what i'll be doing august 1.

i don't want to brag, friends. but.
i have been an exceedingly good student so far, and have read every single page of required reading for my classes. i can't tell my friends in class because they'd call me a suck-up or dork or something. which is actually not cool and getting really old, since we're adults in grad school. we're paying well over $100 for each and every class we attend, so it really only makes sense to do the work required. and i feel like i wasted several thousand dollars last semester, because i definitely did the bare minimum for a class or two. yeah, definitely two. anyway, i don't know how i got the dubious honor of being known as an overachiever. if they think this is overacheiving, they should've seen me in undergrad. because i am that cool.

ok, i'm going to get on my soapbox and vent a little. is that ok? thanks.
first, i am definitely guilty of doing the same thing i'm about to gripe about. which makes me a supremo-hypocrite, but i have acknowledged my ways and am actively working toward changing them. anyway.

here's what bugs me. all of us who are taking a full load this semester are feeling like there's a lot required in pretty much every single class. it's not totally ridiculous, but it will definitely be a considerable portion of our time each week for the next two and a half months. some of us are taking more than others, and most of us have at least one or two other major things going on in our lives besides school (eg, work, moving, mission trips, etc). so what bugs me is when people talk about all their extra responsibilities as if they are so much harder to handle than everyone else's. as if no one else could possibly understand what they're going through because their lives are that much harder (i do this too! not cool!!!). but here's the thing...most people fill their time to the max of what they can handle. (which is honestly not necessarily a good thing.) most of us aren't actually sitting around doing nothing in our free time. and if we have free time, it may just be intentional and due to the recognition that down time actually makes you busy time more productive and meaningful. i feel like there's an unspoken contest to see who has the most going on in their lives right now, and like i said before, i get sucked into it to. and i'm not even one of the busiest people i know. i think we brag about how much we have on our plate for a couple reasons. here's why i do it...it makes my life seem more meaningful, and it gives me an excuse if i don't succeed. i am ashamed to admit this, but i think its true. for me anyway.

i am so totally tired of trying to do more and more and more. the pressure is actually rather tremendous. i catch myself placing value on being involved in as much as i possibly can, almost afraid of a day off. as if my schedule gives my life meaning. as if a day of rest is something to be feared. i was talking to a good friend last week, and we were discussing "the rat race"... how our generation is pressured to do more and more and more, all so we can acquire more and more and more. and we will certainly pass this down to our children unless they have the wisdom early on and see the error of that kind of life.

so i'm left asking myself if what i'm doing TODAY is valuable. to some extent, my busy-ness and stress are necessary evils right now...must get through the next 11 months of school so i can enter the vocation where i feel led. however, i also realize that the craziness must end soon because it's at the expense of meaningful relationships and service to others. it's so easy to say this as a day is drawing to an end, and i think it's an entirely different story each morning...to wake up determined to do what (and only that) which is meaningful...and to rest well... in ways that fulfill and revive.

i apologize. i almost erased this, but it's true to where i am mentally and emotionally right now. writing it down diffuses my frustrations. and with that....it's a gorgeous evening. time for a long, slow run alone with my thoughts and some sweet music.


OH! almost forgot...did i tell you all my happy news? i'm moving at the beginning of august! super excited to be living in a real neighborhood in a house with 2 other girls. have only met one of them so far, but she's quality and fun and classy, so i think it's going to be good. the house is older and has some quirks that give it character (but to all you who frequented 1110 main aka "party central," the bathroom is lots bigger and there's no plaid wallpaper or elf doors. sorry.)
i'm also goign to have to give away about half my wardrobe because the closets are TINY. that will be good for me.

HOWEVER. i've have some wonderful roommates over the years. they've been so good, in fact, that i have hesitated even considering doing the roommate thing because i just can't imagine that they'd be as great at the past few, who have been huge blessings and exactly what i've needed. so these new ones have some big shoes to fill. little do they know :) no pressure...