love.

i've long loathed february. and not only because it's not spelled phonetically. that's just part of it. (interestingly, i do love wednesdays.)

i'm usually sick of the snow and ice and rain and wind and slush and cold feet and those rock salt stains that mar the hem of my jeans by approximately feb 1, and the groundhog's forecast is usually w-rong. maybe only 6 more weeks of winter for you, punx. but here in INDIANA? it'll be april before we see signs of spring. my bitterness is well-founded. you've got to give me that.

and i don't even mind being single on valentine's day. i had a lovely workout at the gym followed by take-out gyro and hummus with my roommate kim last monday. we only briefly questioned whether there was causation (rather than mere correlation) between the fact that neither of us had bothered to shower that day and our relationship stati (duh! plural for status, as we are both "on the market"). the jury's still out on that one, but man, was the hummus delish. and i woke up at 4:45 tues morn to rinse off, never fear. i said it throughout college and i will say it again. sometimes you just have to air dry after a workout.

the one redeeming thing about february is that it's only 28 days long, and except for leap years, that means that if it's monday on feb 7, you can be sure that march 7 will also be a monday. makes planning real easy-like. (is that all that february has going for it? i would have said YES....until this year)
this year february began with snowdown/icepocolypse2011. 6inches of ice on the hood of my car later, i emerged from my humble abode unscathed to chop ice off l'il blue 2, my faithful ford focus. the only casualty of mother nature's fury was my ice scraper. which is actually a bummer because it was ergonomically correct and pretty much my favorite car accessory ever. and target is STILL sold out of new ones. my 4 consecutive snowdays (count'em...FOUR!) were also bookended by two two-hour delays with the superbowl thrown in for good measure. it was a delightful week of reading, resting, hanging out with roommates and other friends, and kicking some major pingpong tail in a round robin tournament in my friend's basement. next to running the chicago marathon and getting third place in the mackinac great turtle race, the ping pong victory was one of my biggest "athletic" accomplishments. of my life. i like to say that i'm classically trained in pingpong. (that's actually not true. i just spent many hours playing in a wood-paneled basement as a child.)

so yeah, february began well. nothing special, but it's been a continued journey in learning to appreciate, and be grateful for, the little things. like pancakes , pandora, and a sturdy furnace.

i'm also loving my job and my students. i love that i can help students navigate tough situations and big decisions. that i can be the bearer of both good news and bad news, but help them find resolution or a safe place to land no matter what.

and i'm loving that i have such a great family. and that i didnt' move all the way to california so i can, and do, get to see them every 4 or 6 weeks. i love that my parents love each other. and that it's restful to go home. i love that.

i love that when i don't know how to pray, i can meditate on truths in the bible and that god hears my prayers even when i don't know what i'm asking for. i love that.

i love that i have a sense of purpose here in indianapolis--that i'm finding a niche and investing in others. that, while i can still seek new places to grow and invest, that god has given me opportunities to be a light, and that i can take him up on those offers (if only i would more often)

i love that we had sunshine and warmth here in indy last week, and that lungs full of fresh air negate the painful effects of blisters on my feet and the visual atrocity that is myself in spandex running tights. age is doing me no favors, my friends.

in grad school i went ahead and broke a cardinal rule of being a counselor. i diagnosed myself with with seasonal affective disorder (as well as several other family members with a myriad of personality disorders. bad idea) anyway, i was only partly joking (but as i told a student who told me that he wanted to be a stripper, "there's a mustard seed of truth in every joke"), but my self-diagnosis helped me make sense of my winter blahs that seem to manifest most strongly in february.

anyway, spring has not yet sprung, but i am learning to live in the ambiguity that comes with navigating traditionally tough times of year for me while also recognizing my life for what it is...a vapor, for sure. but also a rich existence chock full of blessings that i do not deserve.

i also have regrets about this month--the times i've gossiped at work, the hours i've spent watching trash on tv or idling on facebook, the negative thoughts i've harbored, the envy that sometimes seeps into my heart. but god redeems the years locusts have eaten, and he can certainly redeem my wasted time over the past few weeks and months. as a hymn writer said, redeeming love has been my theme, and shall be til i die. how very true!

my apologies for the run on sentences and rambling thoughts. you're not surprised, i'm sure. much love to all this february. (in particular to m.s.p., j.d.t.and j.sr. [if you're reading this as well])