When I made up my mind to leave my teaching job at Grace and move to Indianapolis, there was more to that decision than just a career change. I could have stayed in southwest Michigan...done my graduate work at WMU, kept the job I LOVED, and proceeded through life in what had become my "normal." I had built a life in St. Joe that I truly loved, but there was something missing. And it's something that I've only now begun to be able to articulate. Whenever I meet new people in Indy and they ask about what brought me here, it's been hard to explain exactly why I moved here...why I left a job that was fun, fulfilling, challenging, etc...and moved to a new place. [INDIANA, no less!!!!] It's not exactly exotic, Lake Michigan is 3 hours away, and the winters are still bitterly cold. When I was in St. Joe, I think what was missing is that there was one piece of my life in which I had not stepped out in faith. Not to say that life in St joe was easy...it's actually very difficult to return to your hometown and begin a life as an adult. It involves re-working family roles and expectations along with the challenges of beginning a career, managing an apartment, and being self-sufficient. I look back on my life though, and see how those three years were absolutely essential in my own "growing up." When I graduated from college, I was in no place emotionally to pack up and move away from my entire network of support. I needed to be somewhere familiar because I was pretty raw and dealing with huge life change and broken expectation for how my life would unfold. God was so gracious though, and gave me a job at a place where I felt I fit and was loved. Those years flew by so quickly that I almost cannot believe I watched three precious classes graduate. Words cannot describe how my 3 years at Grace have enriched my life, introduced me to people who I will cherish forever, and gave me confidence to pursue this next step in my career.
What was lacking in St. Joe though was my need to truly step OUT in faith. I had so many backup plans in St Joe...if my life were a highwire act, you could say that I had about 10 nets in place in case I fell...my parents (who I knew would rescue me financially, emotionally, etc if I ever needed it), friends from high school, a familiar church, a familiar town, etc To those who have moved across the globe (or even across the country) may not see my move 3 hours south as all that daring or faithful. But it IS a big deal to say goodbye to a full and satisfying life in one to start over in another, even if it's only one state away.
What has very much been on my heart the past few weeks is not only how different my life is now than it was a year ago, but also how God has blessed me more than I really could have imagined when I prayed for a good experience in Indy a year ago. I had hoped to make a good friend or two in my program, maybe find a good church where there were another couple people with whom I could connect. So imagine my surprise and joy to not only have made a several close friends at school, but also to have a group from church of quality people who love God and challenge one another to live in abundance and truth.
I feel that my time in St Joe was an amazing time of healing, renewal, and preparation for the next step of my life. But it was in place for a season, and I am only now far enough removed from it to process what I did and learned during that time. And this reflection brings me to my knees...to see how God's timing works and how he really does answer prayers. This is something I know, but rarely trust. How many times have I asked for something out of ignorance ("God please give me a friend in Indianapolis") and God gives back many times over what I asked for?!? But there's really more to it than that. While I never regretted my decision to move to Indy, I did wonder if God could have drawn me close in faith to him when I was in St Joe. And I'm sure he could have, but I do believe that my move, and some of the loneliness that comes in the time between meeting people and truly getting to know them, drew me closer to God. I have had many quiet hours alone in my apartment....and it's been in this silence that I have made the time to pray, read the Bible, and allow myself to be vulnerable. My busy life in St. Joe was fun but it distracted me in many ways from truly knowing myself in my weakness. I felt that I had it all together. And that even if I didn't, there were nets to catch me if I let something fall. I lived a life largely characterized by obedience for obedience's sake rather than following God out of faith.
All this to say, it hasn't been the easiest thing to do--I miss my old job immensely, and I think of my past students often, sometimes with tears, sometimes with laughter. I sometimes wish that I could transplant my job at Grace and move it to Indy, that I could bring my friends from St joe to indy as well. But let's say that could happen...I would not have had the same experience in Indy as I've had. I made this move, and I take the whole experience as it is, the fulfilling parts, the empty parts, the areas where God has taught me, the areas where I'm still learning to trust. Life is a mix of the good and bad, and it's not necessarily been an easy 4 years since my college days. But it certainly has been a time of growing. With each passing day, I am coming to see Job's words as even more true for own life...I have sought to know what God has in my future, only to realize that perhaps I'm jumping the gun, asking for things that I don't understand while God' plan is too wonderful (in the overall, fulfilling sense, not in the immediate gratification or temporal pleasure sense) for me to know.
For some of you reading this, you're maybe seeing a new side of Libby :) It's where I'm at right now...processing what I've learned the past year. This is just a glimpse into my heart right now, a place that I don't always let other see. But you know what, it's who I am :)
But speaking of treasures in Indy, I will give you a Levi story of the day.
Yesterday I was over there teaching him a piano lesson. He likes to use the pedals on his keyboard, and he also likes to press this slide that changes the pitch of the keys in all kinds of wonky ways. But he gets distracted easily, so I don't let him do that stuff until the end of the piano lesson. So at the beginning, I said "Levi, let's review the rules for our piano lesson." And he replied.."These are the three rules for our piano lesson, Libby....no pitch, no pedals, no silliness."
And then he said "let me give you a hug, Libby."
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